Foxy Frown

Bumpwatch News: Go watch someone else’s bump, because Foxy Brown is not pregnant, according to her manager. Her lawyer said otherwise, but then again, his mom wanted him to be a doctor. I say, lucky Foxy. ‘Cause if the hypothetical baby took after her, imagine how it would kick! The confusion arose because Ms. Brown, who is not pregnant, hit a neighbor with a Blackberry, while Halle Berry, who is pregnant, is Black. I see how everyone made this mistake.
Regarding the prospect of a year on Riker’s Island, Ms. Brown said, “I made my bed and I’m willing to lie in it…what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” Don’t do the crime if you can’t say the cliches with a straight face.

Not So Sly Foxy

Yesterday, Judge Melissa Jackson (”Your Honor” if you’re nasty) told violent vixen Foxy Brown to go directly to jail, do not collect 2 Benjamins, for a parole violation. Ms. Brown violated her parole and a neighbor by assaulting that person with a BlackBerry. Makes Russell Crowe look hopelessly old-fashioned for using a land-line. Naomi Campbell, too: a cell? Please, that’s so turn of the millennium. Gee, Russ, Naomi, why not a horsewhip? Remember, kids, use Space Age equipment for your Stone Age behavior. The not-too-sly Foxy was originally jailed for assaulting a couple of manicurists. I hope she used a weapon that time, because punching could ruin a girl’s brand new silk wrap. Don’t even think about scratching! Fightin’ Foxy, who is three months pregnant, can get out in eight months if she stays on her best behavior. Fortunately, prison affords slight temptation for the likes of Ms. Brown: cons have to wait in line to use the phone. Nonetheless, her kit will not be born free. I’m tempted to smuggle in a birthday cake with a nail file inside. She can blow out my candle any day.