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How Do I show a girl I like her without looking like I’m trying too hard?

 

Many thanks to all 4 of you who are reading my blog. Here is an email I got recently asking how he can show a girl how he likes her without seeming like he is trying too hard.

“Hey, i’ve got a question. I decided i wanted to show more interest in this girl i like. I have no
idea how to do this without sounding annoying… what do you do when you want to show interest in a girl (or do you do something completely different?)

Also, I don’t have a driver’s license (i’ll be getting it pretty soon) but it makes dates weird, because it’s cold outside, so walking sucks.”

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Unfortunately you’ll always sound annoying if the chick isn’t into you.  I wouldn’t try anything different.  Women are like horses; you have to always mount them from their left side.  Through the centuries, man has always gotten on a horse from its left side… try getting on a horse from the right side and you’ll spook the shit out of it.  All this to stay, stick with what they are used to.  You have 2 chances MAX to show interest, after that, you’ll certainly become annoying.  After your 2 chances, you have to patiently sit and wait for the harvest.  If none comes, you’ll go hungry for the winter, but inevitably you’ll be tilling the fields once again come spring.

I think girls always start off from the point where they think any guy that talks to them, likes them, unless they have no self esteem in which case.. easy score. But seriously, just talking to them is enough to show interest. Anything else, again, is annoying.  Subtly, is the best.  Don’t sweat the driver’s license thing, yeah it totally sucks but it makes the mission that much more rewarding because you have to travel further and wait longer…

So after talking to ‘her’ for a week or 2, and if by then she’s still sorta laughing at your jokesand generally being receptive, then ask her out.  If she says ‘no’ then you can never graze their again.  Keep talking to her, but slowly phase her out… you can’t make it look too obvious that her rejecting you was the cause to stop talking to her.  And because you can’t keep your house full of ‘friends’ you need to learn to cycle them.  But remember never pounce too quickly because if you’re pasture is small, you’ll end up having asked them all out before your know it.

I have no idea why I’m using so many gay wild kingdom analogies.. but maybe that’s what we really are.Schmoopy

The Age Old Question . . . Am I good in bed?

 

Good in bed used to mean props, loud music, lots of giggling, oils, massaging, a trapeze maybe some midgets, some villagers and hours upon hours of excitement.

As you get older the term, “good in bed” takes on a whole new meaning.

I remember never caring how I was going to get home..it could have been 2 AM way on the other side of town, no means of getting home…

It just didn’t matter cause this girl was drunk and great in bed…and that was good enough for me. I would worry about the details later.

The only details I concerned myself with were the designs on her panties. But even then, she wouldn’t have her panties on long enough for me to even notice. So let’s get on with it…

You find yourself clear on the other side of town. It’s going to be at least a 60$ cab ride to get home. But none of this matters…You are focused. Like a Samurai warrior, you never let your eyes or thoughts wander…Dracule…she will be yours soon.

Your eyes are filled with anticipation…and that’s about it, because all your blood is now flowing into your lower extremities. When the two of you let loose at each other, it’s like Hyenas playing over day old road kill. Legs swinging everywhere, you’re sweating, scratch marks abound music is blaring… you are determined to be the absolute best this chick has ever had.

You push yourself. No time to rest. This is what you have practiced for. All those used Kleenex your mom had to scrape off the wall because you always missed the trash and were too lazy to get out of bed and pick them up yourself…all the tubs of Vaseline you went through…it’s all coming together in a haze of lights, incense and lube.

Hours have passed. You have accomplished your mission. You are exhausted, she is satisfied. You have chewed off your arm to get out of her bed. You are now free.

It’s just gonna cost you 60$ in cab fare and a night of promising yourself that next time you’ll use a condom. But hey, you have proven yourself. You are the man. The Stud…now only if the cab driver spoke English…

As age hunts you down like a dog, your priorities shift. Oh sure, you still always think about sex, that never goes away. It’s how you procure it that changes. It’s how hard you work at it that changes. As you get older sex is a simple release, a hug and a good night sleep. At 35 you are no longer interested in, spending 60$ on cab ride at 4 AM to get home from some skank’s house wondering if your dick is about to fall off.

At 35, you’d much rather sit back have a quick toss and get on with your day. At 35 you are no longer interested in trying to prove yourself as the “world’s greatest lover” to every girl that is in sniffing distance. If you are, then it’s time to re-evaluate your priorities. At 35 you take great pleasure in knowing your partner is willing to turn over for a quickie whenever you feel the urge.

You no longer need loud music, loud determination, scratches, hickies, surprises, bells and whistles. Sure, you’ll want a few bells now and again, but it no longer drives you as much as you drive it.
Enjoy all your youthful adventures. One day you’ll look back and be amazed at all the crazy things you did just to get laid. You’ll smile cause it was all worth it.

Can I buy Love Potion # 9 on ebay?

Here is another email I got from someone: ” I really like this guy and i’ve liked him for a while now..and he knows this. No other girl likes him and he doesn’t want to have the responsibilty’s of a relationship. So my question is how can you make the guy like you, and not care about the responsibilities that he will aquire with a new relationship?

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Please listen carefully to my advice; you can’t make him like you. you can’t make anyone like you. you can push, pry, squeeze.. but nothing you do will ever make someone like you. Not genuinely anyway.If you had a million dollars, then perhaps if you bought someone enough gifts, they’d pretend to like you. it’s a harsh reality in life. but it’s crucial that you learn this now at a young age. It will save you from a lot of heartache, grief and embarrassment. It’s hard to live by, but it’s the God’s honest truth. the best and only thing you can do, is let them live their life and don’t bug them.

Also, you too need to think about the ‘responsibility of a relationship’ why the heck would you want a relationship at your age? Learn to hang out and be friends with guys, it’ll help you in the future when you’re really up for a serious relationship. Just ignore the guy - make him realize that after all, you’re not that high drama and maybe he’ll realize that you’re a fun girl whom he should hang around. But that’s all you can do. There’s no ‘making someone like you’ only ‘hoping’

Good luck.

“I met a guy and have nooo idea what to do”

 

Here is an email I got from someone who found the site and was looking for dating advice . .

“I’m in college and I met this guy a few days before winter break, in fact we got coffee the day before us students were forced to leave. Now I know this is stupid and completely high school of me, but he seemed interested when we were together, but later when I messaged him on facebook (after him sending me a response to one I sent him), he never responded. Now ifs fine with me if he’s not interested (I’m a big girl now, I can deal) but its been a three week break, two since we’ve talked, and now I have no clue what to do next. My plan was to just go up to him and tell him I like him. Does that sound like a good idea, or should I just wait? Plus does the message thing mean anything? Thanks :)”

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I’m probably way late… but Nooooooooo, it sound like a horrible idea, and you already know that.  Under no circumstances are you to go up to him and tell him anything of the sort.  Got it?!  If he likes you, he’ll text you.  If you make yourself too available he won’t be interested.  So say nothing, don’t text him, don’t talk to him… unless of course you already have, then it’s too late.  So what you do next is, NOTHING.  Build yourself another dramatic situation to take your mind away from him.  I’ve recently found that unless I think keep thinking about this one girl, I have nothing else to think about.  So I’m keeping busy and kind of hoping for some other distraction to come around.  Something that forces me to take my mind off the situation.  But careful what you wish for. 

If he’s not texting you, he’s not into you.  The ‘text’ is one of the better relationship inventions.  It allows you to communicate without the commitment.  So if he’s not even doing that, then he’s really not thinking about you.  Or maybe he is, but he’s confused about his feelings… then that would make him gay - so he’s definitely not interested. 

But seriously, walk on.  It’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

The dreaded “Best Friend”

 

My best friend is a guy and I love him as my friend (and probably as more) but its been hard to figure out our relationship together.

We met in the dorms but didn’t date cause we lived on the same floor, we kissed once when we were drunk our sophmore year but he didn’t want anything except a friendship.

At that point I was fine with it and I figured that he didn’t really like me.  So the rest of our sophmore year we stayed good firends.  Our junior year we didn’t see eachother at all cause we studied abroad for a year, he was one of my two friends I talked to from spain and I was his only friend that he talked to from italy.

When we got back we started hanging out more than ever, he comes over to my apartment most of the nights he gets off of work after 11:30PM and we are always skiing together.

Anyway getting to the point, I had resigned myself to be a friend of his but the other night, we stayed up together the whole night talking  about everything.  He brings up an age old supject that his friends give him crap about how we are friends and he asks me what I thought we were.  I pretty much freaked and said,that we were such good friends that nobody could understand what we have and that was the end of that subject, or at least that’s what I thought.

While were sitting on his bench that same night he looks over to me and tells me I look hot.  Just so you know, I was in his sweats and no make-up, smoking a cigarrette watching the sunrise.  Has he changed his mind?  Should I bring it up again?  I’m just really confused about what to do.

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You may have missed your chance… ‘he asks what he thought we were’  that was your chance to move it for a kiss.  He was asking your permission basically.. then he tells you you look hot… do you need a house to fall on you to realize he’s dropping hints everywhere?

I wouldn’t bring it up again.  You can’t really say.. ‘remember the time you said i looked hot’  … you have to wait for him to say it again (hopefully he’s not sick of putting himself out there) next time he says ‘you look hot’  say something like, ‘not as hot as i would naked’  or something semi shocking, you need to respond in a way that will allow him to follow your lead.  You need to coax him out of his shell.  You said ’such good friends?’  you really said that?  That’s as bad as Michael Corelone giving Fredo the Kiss of Death.  Friends?  You can’t say that to a guy.  If you want a shot with this guy, it may not get any more obvious than the hints he was giving you that night.  Just wait for the next opportunity.  The next compliment or whatever then make your move.  He doesn’t want to be shot down by you, so he is (was) treading lightly, feeling his way around… and you said, ‘friends’  Men shut down when they hear that word.  Unless the sentence continues with, ‘my friend and I want to have a 3-some…’

So what to do? play it cool.  That’s all you can do.  If you missed your chance, you have to take it on the chin and move on.  You can run after him, but that’s sad and you don’t want to get into the habit of running after men.  So hopefully the chance will spring up again, and you can spring on him.

How to get a second date.

The date is going well.  You made it through your $10 plate of spaghetti, you’re moving on to drinks and somewhere in-between the waitress getting your order, and the bus boy clearing your dishes, you went from being a potential lay to a complete loser.

But what went wrong?  You were having such a good time, she was laughing at your stupid jokes, eating off your plate.. it was the making of a perfect first date.   And that’s when you open your fat mouth and say/ask, ’so you want to do this again?’

Ahhh…chickens before they hatch mean anything?  You’ve just gone ahead and not only assumed that the next 2 hours are going to go well (which judging by your ill-timed 2nd date question, they won’t) you also handed your balls to her in a velvet sack.

Get your poker face going.  You don’t actually have to tell her what a great time you are having, the fact you’re moving on to drinks should be enough indication that she’s into taking another step with you.  But these are baby steps, so treat them as such.

Keep her guessing.  At the end of your date, kiss her on the cheek let her know you had a good time and leave it at ‘we’ll talk soon’

DO NOT make plans for a second date at any point during your first date.  Be a little more subtle and mysterious.

How do I know if she likes me?

She’s Flirting With Me, But Does She Like Me?  At school or work, put guys and girls together and what you have is a pressure cooker of nuances, double entendres, and heavy flirting.  And amongst all of this you’re supposed to figure out who’s telling the truth and who’s pulling your chain.  It’s like a giant game of Clue… now only if you had a gun.

Every freakin’ day you see her. She smiles at you. She gives you a hug, talks to you a bit then makes her way to class.  She leaves you with a nice lump in your pants and a total confused look on your face.  You continue to wonder if you should just ask her out.  I mean, she hugs you, talks to you.. so she must like you, right?

First off, all women are exist to torture us.  Now that we have the sussed out, we can continue with the lesson…

How much does she flirt with you?  Does she pay the same amount of attention to you when she’s with her friends as she does when she’s by herself?

You gotta figure there needs to be some consistency.  If she treats you a ‘little less’ when you see her ‘around’ with her friends then she’s just not that into you and her insecurities drives her to seek attention from anyone she knows at anytime.  So now that you see her all cozy talking with her friends, she doesn’t need to validate her existence by talking you.  Basically we all want to be around people we know, so if she only ‘knows’ you when it’s convenient for her, safe to say she doesn’t like you the way you were hoping.  And in fact, you should never consider her again.

Does she flirt with other guys?  There are chicks out there (and plenty of guys too) who simply love attention.  They run around school all day, socially whoring themselves out to whomever will accept them.  Just as she finishes hugging you, she’s off to her next hapless victim.  And before you know it, the 2 of you are standing around with scratching your balls left to figure out what the hell just happened.

Deeper meaning…Does she ask you the same stupid things everyday? Flippantly going through her laundry list of questions, or does she actually ask you more.  And moreover, does she remember to follow up the next time she sees you.  Example: She may ask about your sick grandmother.  Does she follow up in a few days by asking for a progress report, or did she completely forget that you even have a grandmother?

Duration…how long has this flirting been going on?  Is she your childhood friend and for the last 10 years you’ve been flirting?  Or has she just picked up on your existence and is now playing with you?

There’s a lot to digest, that’s why it’s important to have patience.  Our ego makes us think that we are special, and foolishness makes us think that we are the only ones

Butter Face! (But her face . . .)

Maybe you met them on-line, maybe they were wearing a hat when you saw them, whatever it is, like Mr. Potato Head, their face seems to have interchangeable parts. They somehow look different than the last time you saw them. Shorter hair maybe? Different glasses.. maybe somebody put their shoes where their nose is supposed to be…

So now what, every time you go to pick them up, it’s like playing craps. Anyway, you get the idea. They are shape shifters. And the worst part about it, is when they are laying on their back.

Have you ever been laying on top of your , looking down at them and the look different? Well, you’ve heard of Bed Head? SM calls this phenomenon, BED FACE.

When is there more of an important time to look hot then when you’re laying on your back? I’m not talking about your ‘phuck face’, I’m talking about when you’re on your back and your face naturally gravitates towards the floor. Because of this, your face changes. I’ve been with a few girls who’ve taken on a completely new look. And I’m not talking about the Lil’ Bo Peep outfit I make her wear…

The chin tucks in a bit more… the eyes slant a bit more towards the ground, the hair falls differently. Not to mention you’re looking at them from a different angle too. You’re on top of them looking down.

So to make sure you’re putting on a good face. Affix a mirror to the ceiling. If anything it’ll distract you from looking at their face completely, and vice versa.

Remember, “gravity always wins” !

How do I tell my girlfriend she smells?

In fact it even smells like a pumpkin, one that was smashed up on Halloween.

A good friend of mine asked me the other day, “Schmoopy, how do you tell a girl she needs to keep clean down there?”

My first thought was what kind of girl is she if sh needs to be told that, unless she’s 16 years old? My second thought was, holy shit, my friend is dating a 16 year old. My third thought, Nice!!

But seriously, I really didn’t have a direct answer for him. Mainly because I never thought about what I would say.. I was always to busy chomping away to talk. Just strap on your nose plug, slap on some goggles and get to work.

But now that I’m older, I would have nothing to do with a woman who couldn’t keep it clean; looking and tasting.

So how do you tell them? There’s really no pleasant way to bring it up - if it’s your first time together, you can hope and pray that that she just wasn’t expecting ‘it’ and she didn’t pay too much attention to the details and that next time she’ll be all tidy.

You can start by taking showers and simply tell her that you always like to give it a ‘once over’ before you do your thing…

But if it persists or… she’s a redhead… then we have a problem. Maybe send her a text message…while you are down on her…take a picture and send it as an attachment. But that may be ill perceived.

Prepare yourself for never seeing her again, which you already have, because who wants to keep dating Ms. Nasty Pants anyway.

Just because there is no easy way to tell a girl, doesn’t mean you have to be a dick about it. If she doesn’t know her own cash and prizes stinks, then you have to question your own judgment about what kind of women you date. Anyway you tell her, she’s probably not going to want to see you again, but the next guy will be very appreciative of your efforts. So take one for the team. Go team go!!!

Grow up and treat her like a woman!

 

You finally meet this really cool chick.  She loves the same things as you. You laugh at the same shite.. it’s total bliss.  You find yourself telling her everything, she understands you and you understand her.  But somewhere you lose sight of the fact that’s she’s a woman and you start slipping up.

It’s no longer that tomboy schoolyard, worm eating affection.  No matter how cool she is, she’s a woman, and needs to be treated as such.  Perhaps not all the time, but regardless of how comfortable you are with her, she is not your ‘guy friends’

She may love you for the fact that you feel totally at ease with her, but she doesn’t always want to watch sports, or sit on the couch with you, no matter how much she enjoyed it when she first met you.  She also had no idea that sitting on your ass all night was going to be a long term thing.

So we’re not talking about fart or burping here, ’cause phuck knows you shouldn’t be doing that anyway.  We’re talking about your Playstation and bong.

She loves you for being you, as long as ‘you’ isn’t ‘you’ all the time. It’s great you found a best friend in her, just don’t treat her like a dog

Why Doesn’t he like me???

Hey there, Alright so as if you don’t have better things to do with your time, and you haven’t heard this a million times, but I’m dwelling on this guy. The story is, I really want my ex-boyfriend back.

I didn’t realize how disgusting other men are and how much I took him for granted until I dumped him and took the time to date other guys. Unfortunately, I’m not the smoothest person, and I just couldn’t bare to talk to him after I did it, so I shunned him…for a year and a half. Our relationship only lasted a few months, but they were really memorable for me. I broke it off because my friends didn\’t like him… I basically want to establish that I\’m a total bitch and I don\’t deserve him, but I do want a second chance, or even just a chance to make my case. I don\’t know how to approach him, just because whenever I try, he’s really awkward and tries to get out of it. Yeah, that probably means he hates me, but I
have to get it off my chest. Am I wasting my time, or what?

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Hey Thanx for your email.Well you’re not alone. This happens to a lot of us. Human nature, don’t know what you have ’til it’s gone blah blah…

This is what you do; you tell him exactly what you have told me, minus the ‘my friends didn’t like him’. Tell him you took him for granted, that you still think about him and one day you’d like to grab a coffee (or whatever). If for no other reason, but to feel better about yourself. BUT you have to make absolute certain you feel this way and it’s not a knee jerk reaction. Because if he does decide to come back to you, and a couple of weeks later you realize why you broke it off in the first place, then yeah, you’ll be a bitch.

So when you talk to him, don’t grovel, don’t tell him you don’t deserve him - just as one human being to another, tell him how you feel - but don’t creep him out. Your emotions towards him have to equal the amount of time you dated him vs. the amount of time you haven’t been dating him.

You mentioned that you only dated a couple of months and it’s been a year and a half since you’ve been together. Given that, you can’t be anywhere near emotional with him. In fact, don’t even bring up the ‘taking him for granted’ part. The truth is, he may have moved on completely from you so you don’t want to give him too much.

Tell him this, “I Don’t know if you ever think back to our relationship, but I do, and I just want to say that I was an idiot for letting it fall apart. I’d like to make it up somehow…If you’re up for it, let’s grab a coffee.” If he says, “no” then you have your answer. If he says, “yes”, great, go out but don’t bring up any of your doubts or insecurities about your past relationship(s) with him or anyone else. Talk about anything but.

I have a feeling though that you’re just looking back at your last good relationship and fixating on it. Trust me.

Sweet 16 and never been kissed. . .Help!

Hi, first of all. I have been reading though the whole site and I have to tell that I really like your opinion.
Which drives me to write this email ; So, I am 22 years old soon, and I have never had any boyfriend or dated anyone.I am the type of girl who studies really diligently in my school age, and still continues to do so in my university days.  To tell the truth I am not in rush in finding a partner, not that I am not interested at all. But all of my girl-friends now start to spin their heads around for some love/guy issues and being a good listener, I start to wonder if I, indeed, should spin my head for some guys as well.

Meaning that I should start looking for a guy.  No one is forcing me to, and there is no pressure from myself to find a guy, I am just concerned that if I live my life like this I might look in the mirror one day and it is too late to date someone, for example.

Is it only a ridiculous thought of mine or do you think it is deadly serious? I don’t know at all ^^;; Well, that’s all. Thanks for your attention.

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Hey, thanx for your email.  Whatever you do, keep on studying hard.  That always comes first.  The good news is, whether you are looking for it or not, a guy you like will come around.  There are however, certain things you can do to make your self more receptive and open to meeting guys like smiling, talking, and generally appearing interested.  Also making an effort to look good like doesn’t hurt.You certainly want to at least start talking to guys - because yes, time will pass you by and before you know it, you’re 35 single living in a one bedroom apartment with a bird.

You need to learn how to balance your social life and your work life.  Soon, you’ll have a good job and you won’t have time for a new relationship because you’re too busy trying to get ahead… so yeah, you are right to be a little cautious.  It’s fine that you have never dated anyone, a little weird, but all in all, fine.

Remember, dating is an important part of life, you learn how to deal with guys, you learn different personalities and most importantly you learn a lot about yourself.

So no, it’s not a ridiculous thought, and the fact that you are thinking it, makes it less ridiculous.

Good luck.

Wingman, where art thou?

few weeks back, tired of ‘hanging out’ with this chick… and by ‘hanging out’ I mean, ‘having sex with’ I told her that I started seeing someone else and that we could no long ‘hang’.  Of course none of it was true, but it was the best to avoid being a total dick.  I wasn’t going to tell her the truth now was I?!

No, no, no. Tell her you have a girlfriend, and then call her a few weeks later when you’re bored, and tell her you broke up with the mysterious ‘other girl‘ and you now want to ‘hang’ again. That’s much better for her self-esteem and ego…

On to the point, which, like most of my stories, is very obscure if there even is one…

The girl I put, ‘on the side’ ran into a friend of mine.  She asked him, ‘Oh, how’s his girlfriend doing?’ Confused, my buddy said/asked, ‘Girlfriend?’ At that point, he didn’t even have to say anything because the butthead look on his face totally gave everything away.
Always back up your friend.  Think of it as being in a massive foxhole during wartime (when else would you be in a foxhole).  She can come up to you and say, ‘Oh, I hear he’s in the hospital with a concussion’ and without batting an eye, as if playing poker with Ben Affleck, you must respond with a straight face and depending on the situation you say ‘bad’ or ‘good’ and move on.  Worry about the details later.

Never at any point blow his cover.  Unless you want her to blow your… well, you get the idea.  And if your buddy is already lying to her, then why the hell not?

She Blinded Me with Science!

You finally meet someone that doesn’t annoy you that much, so you decide to go out with her. She’s cute, but inevitably after a few times of seeing her, she begins to bug you.

But you’re still not sure. Everyone bugs you, so it’s now come down to who bugs you least. Growing up is fun isn’t it? No really, I’m asking - because judging by the site, I clearly have no idea…

You decide to run a few tests. I recommend dipping her large toes in water, but only their large toes…then…

But seriously, if you want to find out if the girl you started dating is a good choice, you can do one of two things, kick back and enjoy it and see how it pans out, or you can run her through various algorithms, mazes and hoops until you ultimately wear her down like a Frisbee chasing show dog.

So unless you learn to chose option one, you’ll be stuck always ripping things apart to see how they work only to find out that once it’s apart, you don’t know how to put it back together.